Sunday, February 06, 2011

Something I Can Never Have

"If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will."
(Behrendt, 2004)

Here I am, finally feeling relieved of my sickness. It only took a couple weeks. And, in my feverish state, the ex decide to come take care of me. Now, that is something that definitely makes you rethink thinks. I was sweating, coughing, and unable to move (and therefore unable to shower) and he came and brought me something to drink and then laid by me and just held me and comforted me, in all my grossness, disregarding the likelihood that he could succumb to the same fate. And, he came back the next night, and the next, and when I was able to eat again, he made me dinner. Why in my weakened state does the universe taunt me like this?

I don't know. I kinda took another step back. Now, we are still technically single and yet still seeing each other and being passionate with each other and saying the "L" word. We are sharing intimacy, and passion, with no commitment. According to my COM 330 class that I am currently enrolled in, that is romantic love. Yes, that sounds like a good thing, but it really isn't. It's tragic and it never ends well. We just watched "Casablanca" in my class, and as you know if you've seen it, that didn't end well for Rick and Ilsa, but it was romantic. Didn't end well for Romeo and Juliet, but we all look to that as an picture of perfect love (or at least Taylor Swift does). Another popular example from"Titanic," Rose and Jack, and that one made me cry for an hour straight.

What to do... I certainly want romance. I certainly want to feel passion and intimacy, but is commitment to much to ask? Can anyone commit anymore? Maybe I'm too possessive. Maybe it's too much to ask to have someone who only longs for me? I'm so confused, but unfortunately that's nothing new for me. I'm thinking perhaps I should just shut my mouth and enjoy the ride and hope the boat doesn't hit the damn iceberg.

As I sit here and watch "Sex and the City," I am slightly inspired to the hope that maybe I'm more of a Carrie and Big kind of romance, because that eventually turned out well, right?

I guess we'll see...


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