Never Ever

"Never ever have I ever felt so low
When you gonna take me out of this black hole?
Never ever have I ever felt so sad
The way I'm feeling yeah, you got me feeling really bad

Never ever have I had to find
I've had to dig away to find my own peace of mind
I've Never ever had my conscience to fight
The way I'm feeling, yeah, I just don't feel right

I'll keep searching, deep within my soul
For all the answers, don't wanna hurt no more
I need peace, got to feel at ease, need to be
Free from pain - going insane, my heart aches, yeah"
(McVey & Fiennes, 1997)


Tonight it will be a week. A week since we last communicated. It has been a very painful week for me. Reality has soaked in like a spilled cup of hot coffee, and I am still trying to clean up the mess. I do miss him terribley, but I don't miss the arguing or fighting or the feeling like I'm not good enough. Or the doubt. So much doubt...

The good news is that I have been strong, and despite my heart telling me that it didn't care what he did or why, my brain and pride got the majority vote with a loud, resounding, "Oh, hell no!" I also have a wonderful friend who has listened to me vent about how much I miss him in exchange for me not contacting him, which has been a big help because sometimes all you really need is someone to hear you. I also owe a lot of my getting through this to him not attempting to contact me, and just firmly letting me go. So many times when we tried to walk away before, I would crumble under his attempts to keep me in his life. I didn't have the strength to stay away from his open arms. But, by saying goodbye and turning away, he gave me the thing I needed the most; my power. I have been able to grasp it and start to build on it again, and hopefully soon I will feel a way I haven't felt in nearly a year now, and that is confident.

The mourning will end soon, and I am eager to see what kind of person I become again. I am hoping I gained some wisdom from this painful year, and I am able to open my heart again but at the same time be smarter about it. I do wish him all the best, and I know a part of me will always love him dearly and miss the beautiful moments we shared in an otherwise stormy relationship, but I also know the best thing he ever did for me was give me goodbye.

So, goodbye my lover, and welcome back to my sanity...

~Jen

Look Away

"I guess it's over baby, it's really over baby
And from what you said, I know you've gotten over me
It'll never be the way it used to be
So if it's got to be this way, don't worry, baby
I can take the news okay

But, if you see me walking by, and the tears are in my eyes
Look away, baby, look away
If we meet on the street someday, and I don't know what to say
Look away, baby, look away
Don't look at me, I don't want you to see me this way"
(Warren, 1988)

It has been three and a half days. I have accepted it is finally over, and I am trying to get over it. In the past, this would've consisted of putting on a happy face while sobbing in my closet when I was finally alone. I decided to take a different approach this time, mostly because the tears haven't come yet, just a deep sense of ache and numbness. Instead, I am embracing my depression and moping and sleeping and listening to break-up song after break-up song. And, I feel okay. Sad, yes, but not ready to throw myself off a cliff or anything even close to that. I feel like I am in the middle of the tunnel, and although I don't feel like walking very quickly towards it, there is a light up ahead. I know this will pass, and I know I will be better off for it.

In a related note, isn't it amazing the power music has in healing the heart? Even though I am listening to sad songs, there is the undertone of hope to most of them, and I think that is absorbing into my mind. I guess it makes me feel less alone as well... I mean, if Kanye, Taylor Swift, Kelly Clarkson, Prince, and Clay Aiken have been through it, then why should I feel bad? Crappy relationships happen to the best of us, and just because I fell for someone who didn't value me, doesn't mean I'm not of value. It's okay. I'm okay. This cloud will pass. Yeah, sure, I feel like a heaping pile of steaming poo at the moment, but eventually that can fertilize and grow something beautiful. I'm ready to become something beautiful.

~Jen

"Withdrawal"

It's still in veins, the craving insane
Thoughts of it slowly consuming my brain
I shiver while ignoring the pain in my limbs
I'm fighting this ache, I'm not giving in
Calling the universe to get me by
Attempting to silence my traitor mind
Forbidden fruit my body calls it a need
But it's bad and it's wrong, it's nothing but greed
So I'll sweat and I'll groan
Summon the courage on loan
Though I feel like I'll die
This withdrawal will subside

Defying Gravity

"I'm through accepting limits
'cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But 'til I try, I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost

I'd sooner buy defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
And you won't bring me down"
(Schwartz, 2003)

When love is good, it is worth everything. You really sacrifice your soul to another for love, and there is nothing wrong with that... Unless it's not reciprocated.

First, we must define the love I'm talking about, because we all know love is subjective and everyone has a different definition. I am talking about wanting the best for someone, wanting to see them succeed, wanting them to reach their potential but cherishing them for their great qualities as well as their suck ones. Most of all, just wanting to see them happy, and feeling like their happiness has a part in your own. It's an all consuming feeling that can't help but flow over into actions, not three little words I could probably teach my cat to say.

I love deeply and completely when I fall for someone, and it is definitely to a fault, because I often lose sight of my own happiness when I'm trying to make someone else happy. Sometimes, I become so engulfed in a relationship that not only do I lose sight of my happiness, but I start to lose myself. That is a hard spot to come back from, with a vicious circle and all. They say I'm not good enough, I start to believe it, and instead of walking away like I know I should (after all, I am not an idiot; I'm about a year away from getting bachelor degrees in both Psychology and Communications, for goodness sakes!), I linger because I don't think I deserve any better. How many times, though, can you walk away from someone before you stop turning around? It's very much like an invisible force pulling me back, compelling me to do that I know I shouldn't.

Tonight was yet another night where plans were ended because of a misunderstanding that blew out of proportion rather quickly. I've noticed I argue less and leave faster each time. Then, when the texts came as I drove home, texts that started out with "I can't do this anymore" and then tempered gradually to "I will miss you so much," I simply replied either, "I agree," or "Okay." And, I didn't cry. That's major, because anyone who knows me knows I cry at the drop of a Hallmark commercial. I drove home, singing along with the radio (okay, so it was just one song on repeat over and over, but it was empowering), and staying completely calm. Progress. I need to keep walking forward this time.

I have lost almost all my confidence and pride and self-esteem in the year since I started falling for this person. That is far too much a cost for something that brought me mostly pain and heartbreak. I have some rebuilding to do. And, the next time I find someone, and I will because I am a witty, attractive, and caring person, I will recognize the limits, and never let them set those limits for me. Someone will love me for me, and even if eventually that is just me loving myself, that is okay. Life is about more than finding a spouse; I think it's more about finding yourself, and if you find someone else who recognizes how awesome a person that is, then bonus.

"Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap"
(Schwartz, 2003)

~Jen

Last Kiss

"And I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes
All that I know is I don't know
How to be something you miss
Never thought we'd have our last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name forever the name on my lips

So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I'll feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
I hope it's nice where you are"
(Swift, 2010)

There are those moments when you just get smacked in the face with the realization that you really don't or didn't mean as much to someone as you thought, or perhaps just hoped, you did. Moments where your breath catches in your throat and tears threaten to sting your eyes, but you struggle to maintain your game face because it doesn't matter to you what they said, or at least it shouldn't matter what they said. You aren't that emotionally invested anymore. The dirty little secret is that you do care, and it rips your heart apart.

It feels like such a personal insult. That they couldn't do certain things with you, but had no problem doing them with someone else. And, I know that I shouldn't take any of it personally, because I was certainly not in their mind at all when they did them; it distinctly wasn't personally directed towards me. It still stings, though, as if they had walked up to me and said, "Hey, you just aren't good enough for me and you are not what I want, and even though I will continue to string you along and pretend to be interested, I really find you about as interesting as a lump of tar." I actually think I would take that statement better. It might prompt an angry response that includes hurling ice cold liquid at said person (I know, immature, yet strangely so satisfying!). I am the one who cherished the feel of their arms around me, who smiled at the gentle rise and fall of their chest as I laid my head against it, and who kissed their skin with loving adoration. Not vice versa. So it should be expected that the thoughts of us would so easily vanish from their mind. But, not mine.

Why is moving on so hard? Things were so much easier when people just disappeared when they were out of your life. Now it's like they are always there, just two clicks away. I guess I just have that selfish wish for an ego boost by thinking they certainly miss me as much as I do them. Yet, in reality, they don't. I was just a blip on the screen of their life, and they have already moved on.

I need to heal. I need to move on.

~Jen

Can't Take That Away

"They can say, anything they want to say
Try to break me down
But I won't face the ground
I will rise steadily
Sailing out of their reach
They do try hard to make me feel
That I don't matter at all
But I refuse to falter in what I believe
Or lose faith in my dreams
'Cause there's a light in me
That shines brightly
They can try
But they can't take that away from me"
(Carey, 1999)

There are many times in life where you wonder, "What happened?" and "Where do I go from here." There really only seems to be one answer to those questions; Life happened, and you move on. People come and go in and out of your life, sometimes they hurt you on accident, and sometimes they do it on purpose. But, ultimately we all have a shared goal, and that is to make the most of this little bit of time on the planet that we are allotted.

Maybe love doesn't usually last, and friends are typically not forever, but that doesn't have to take away from the bigger picture. So often I will lose a lover or a friend and just be devastated and inconsolable for a period of time. Now I'm thinking that instead of shutting down and trying to repair after I can function again, I need to make the effort to gather the good, be it memories or life lessons, that I have received from that person, put the positive energy of wishing them well into the universe, and then move forward.

Internalizing things to death is a huge flaw of mine, and one that I have realized I need to focus on fixing. A friend of mine, who has confidence beyond my comprehension, was advising me on how she does it. "I know my abilities and worth," she said, "and I simply don't care what anyone else thinks, because it is the human condition to want to make other people feel bad to make oneself feels better, and I just won't let them tear me down to give themselves some ironic feeling of worth." Whether that is accurate or not, the most important thing I took away from it is that I do need to know my own worth, and then hold firm and not let anyone shake that. I do have goals, I do have dreams, and I work towards them everyday. Maybe my progress has been slower than others, and maybe my goals are ridiculous to others, but why does that matter? They are MY goals, not theirs.

And so that is going to be my focus; to keep in the headlights my goals and damn the naysayers. I am not going to let them get me down, and I am simply just not going to listen. If confronted, I will smile, thank them for their opinion, and walk away and immediately empty the trash in my brain. I haven't made it this far by giving in, and I certainly know how to stand up and brush off my knees.

~Jen

"Quiet of My Mind"

Alone, my prescription
To turbulent companionship
In silent reflection
Of "why?"

I could dream of rainbows
Birds and butterflies
But the cage fits
I chose my visitors

I drown myself in this comforter
Longing for your embrace
Yet this is okay
With peace in my head

Visions of us
When I close my eyes
Still breathing
Preparing to fly

F*ckin' Perfect

"You're so mean, when you talk
About yourself; you were wrong.
Change the voices, in your head
Make them like you instead
So complicated
Look happy, you'll make it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game"
(Pink, 2010)


Self-esteem has never been a trait I have been able to obtain. My self image was formed in my teenage years through a series of my mother's boyfriends who told me how ugly and stupid I was, and from a marriage at the tender age of sixteen to a much older man who was quick to criticize my barely developed body. What followed was a pattern of bringing people into my life who would keep my head down and my mind unable to even conceive of the possibility that I might have any real worth.

Enter a child and the realization that I was responsible for how this innocent soul would grow and think about her self and the world around her. I had to be better. I had to be more. For her. I enrolled in college. I began to read self help books. I started to study communications and psychology. My world grew exponentially.

If only my confidence could expand as much as my understanding of people and the world have. Unfortunately, I am still someone who would rather bite my lip than face criticism, and who looks in the mirror and can not see the person that others compliment. Consequently, I am also a woman who seems to demonstrate with her actions that she believes she deserves nothing better than a partner who cheats and lies and criticizes the few things of value she feels she possesses. Why? I can sit here and say I deserve better and believe it, but then when faced with the chance to go out and find better, I'd rather cower and pick up scraps of mediocre attention like a stray mutt. It's insanity.

I need to get my power back. I need to love me as much as I know I should. I need to not only know it, but live it. I need to be better. I need to be more. But, this time, for me.

~Jen

Not As We

"Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain
Unsure unconvincing
This faint and shaky hour
Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I'm barely making sense
For now I'm faking it
'Til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we"
(Morissette, 2007)

A funny thing happens when you are "with" someone. You spend all your spare time with them and friends get put on the back burner. Now, this is the natural course of things, and we all understand that it happens, and while it sucks for the friends who seem to lose their friend, we all want the best for our friends, and what is better than love, right?

The problem then comes after a relationship ends, and you are suddenly the odd one out. The one without a date. The third wheel at all dinners and functions.You start to feel as though perhaps you just need to be stamped "single" across you forehead so you can easily be identified by others of your kind in crowds. So much adjusting to do. No longer can you assume you have plans on Friday nights. And, when you are able to pry a friend away from their significant other, you know their mind is thinking about getting home to their lover, not about you.

So, to another lonely night, and to all my friends who are feeling as I am, best of luck in finding what truly brings you joy.

Until later,
~Jen