Thursday, March 24, 2011

Dear John

"Well maybe it's me
And my blind optimism to blame
Maybe it's you and your sick need
To give love then take it away
And you'll add my name to your
Long list of people who don't understand
And I'll look back and regret
I ignored when they said
Run as fast as you can"
(2010, Swift)

The hardest part of being wrong is knowing you are wrong. When the claim to ignorance is taken away, it really makes every situation much bleaker. I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I should have left him in early December when I got the email from the woman he was cheating on me with. Sparing the rationalizing details of why I asked to keep a farce up through the holidays and pretend to stay together, and then actually remain is lessening states of a relationship, I ultimately didn't walk away. Like a fool.

So, the moment of clarity came for me tonight. I went over to his house because he wanted to make us dinner and spend some time together, and even though I have a project due tomorrow for class, I packed my school work up and resigned to finish it at his house so we could at least spend some time together. I drive 25 minutes to his house, where he won't even make the effort to get up from his video game to answer the door much less give me a hug, instead yelling through the window that the door was unlocked and to come on up. I sit on the bed for 10 minutes while he is on speaker phone with his buddy playing this game, and I go to the bathroom and stare in the mirror and ask myself, "Really? You are doing all this for a guy who won't even get up to acknowledge your presence? Seriously, you don't think you deserve better?" And, I looked back at myself and thought for the first time in months, "I so fucking deserve better than this."

After some shouting back and forth, and to the mutual declarations that neither of us "needed this shit" and "have a nice life," I left. As I was driving home, I actually started to think about the ramifications of never seeing him again. I texted my BFF that it was probably finally over (much to her delight), and as I showered, I thought of possible responses I might need to give to any texts or emails he might send me.

It feels over. And I think (and hope) that I'm finally okay with that.


Wednesday, March 16, 2011

You Keep Me Hangin' On

"Set me free, why don't you, babe?
Get out my life, why don't you, babe?
Because you don't really love me
You just keep me hangin' on"
(1966, Holland, Dozier, Holland)

Only in love could you kill someone over and over again. Only in love (or stupidity; fine line between the two sometimes, I know) could you allow someone to cause you pain over and over again. As I tread the waters of relationship limbo, I find myself so confused and utterly lost. Unable to fully let go, but yet knowing that there is little to hold on to. Yes, my grip is slowly starting to ease, but I wish I had the strength to just walk away and not look back.

I know I will get there, but in the meantime I am destroying any ounce of self-esteem I once possessed to stay semi-attached to someone who obviously doesn't value my feelings or love over the attention of others. Is it a matter of having to hit rock bottom on the confidence scale to realize that I must let go? It's pathetic, I know. He will make a comment that subtley cuts at my core, and I will just look at him now and say, "Someday you are going to miss me. Someday you will look back and wonder why you were so mean to the sweet woman who loved you so," and he will laugh and say, "Aw, baby, you know I love you."

Do I?

I know he has the capability of saying the words. But, feeling the emotion, ehhhh, I'm not so sure about that. That I spend almost every moment we are together wondering who else he is thinking about and he spends almost every one of those same moments not caring what I think at all just goes to show I am insane for even remaining in this situation.

I need my strength back.

I've misplaced myself somewhere along the way, and I need to figure out where the real me wandered off to. I need to stop being the lead actress in my life and instead just live it. I'm wasting too much precious time.

Until later,