Tuesday, February 22, 2011

...But I Won't Do That

"After awhile you'll forget everything.
It was a brief interlude
And a midsummer night's fling,
And you'll see that it's time to move on.
I know the territory,
I've been around,
It'll all turn to dust and will all fall down,
Sooner or later, you'll be screwing around."
~Meatloaf, I Would Do Anything For Love

I was reminded of this song today. Such a great song. I am just the kind of overly dramatic soul who adores the styling of Meatloaf or Jack Black. There is nothing like some good rock opera, in my opinion. Anyways, back to the song.

What a perfect interpretation of infatuation. This boy, crazy about this girl and making her all these promises, and, I mean, really grand gestures and proclamations. And, this girl listens through this whole hormone laden rant, and humors him for a few seconds at the end just to throw water on his fantasies and tell it like it is. The thing that strikes me is how it seems like that IS how it normally is. At least in my relationship experience, which might be part of the problem. Perhaps the emotional maturity isn't there in the people I choose, and so when they fall for me, and I fall for them, the reality sets in sooner for them. That tizzy and flush of affection is replaced with annoyance and, dare I say, pity, because they are in a relationship with someone who they feel like has stronger feelings than they do.

Why does my love grow and their love fade?

I could go on about how I'm a good person, I decent looking, blah, blah, blah. But, I think there in lies the problem. When did I get so terribly needy? Instead of shrugging and saying, "Oh well... Your loss," it is like I must prove that I am the best thing they will ever have and they would be a fool for not wanting me. Yet, I am here having to convince someone they want me. It's insanity.

I guess admitting you have a problem is the first step in coming up with a solution, right? Or at least that is what I've been told.

So, here goes... My name is Jen, and I'm a love addict. Instead of loving the awesome person I am, I cling to shreds of acceptance I get from those around me. I stay in relationships in which I am treated as less than I deserve. I melt at proclamations of love, no matter how half hearted they might sound, and sometimes I feel powerless to walk away from the embrace of the heart I long for, even as they tear me down with their words. And, it needs to stop.

Until next time,

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