"In A Moment"

In a moment I realized what it meant
I saw the reflection of my own sadness in your eyes
I felt the void between what I thought we had
And what you thought we had
I felt the difference in priorities
And the deepness of my shame

In a moment I will leave your life
I will try to forget the bliss I felt from your touch
The ecstasy I found in your embrace
And the passion that I will forever miss
A feeling that had long slipped away
To be replaced with rejection and doubt

In a moment I will heal from this heartbreak
I will finally forget the last time I glimpsed your face
The feel of your flesh against mine will haunt
And I will struggle to remember the sound of your voice
I will avoid the memories of us
So the scars from our war will fade with the years

In a moment I will come across the box of our time together
I will blow off the dust and carefully open the lid
Pangs of conflicting emotions will flood my soul
And I will smile as my eyes well up one last time
As the bad memories have faded
I will be free to enjoy the ghost of we

In a moment I will breathe my last breath
A long life lived and finally coming to an end
As the last sands of my hourglass start to fall
And I am flooded with memories of my time on Earth
There will be a second your faces flashes by
I will be glad to see it there as I say goodbye

Is That I Should

"Because I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should"
~Missy Higgins, Where I Stood

I'm so depressed right now. I had a not so great day yesterday, and now it is 3:46am, and I am sitting her sulking instead of doing homework, which I desperately need to do. Feeling this way sucks. And, yes, the rational part of me knows that only I can change the way I feel and if I want to make a change, I need to do it, blah, blah, blah... I just don't feel like it right now. I want to hibernate in a cave of covers. I want the world to melt away into yummy fuzzy dreaminess. I guess I want to escape reality for a bit.

And, the reality I want to escape? I think I have this just general overpowering feeling of not being wanted at the moment. And, yes, once again I know I should just change my situation and surround myself with people who do genuinely want to be around me and love me, but I just can't find my footing lately. It's like I've fallen and I can't get up, and I don't have a handy life alert bracelet to come to my rescue. I'm just laying here absorbing the smooth coldness of the floor.

I don't know. I'm just not in a good place right now in my head. Yet, I know what I need to do and just can't do it.

I just can't do it...

~Jen

...But I Won't Do That

"After awhile you'll forget everything.
It was a brief interlude
And a midsummer night's fling,
And you'll see that it's time to move on.
I know the territory,
I've been around,
It'll all turn to dust and will all fall down,
Sooner or later, you'll be screwing around."
~Meatloaf, I Would Do Anything For Love

I was reminded of this song today. Such a great song. I am just the kind of overly dramatic soul who adores the styling of Meatloaf or Jack Black. There is nothing like some good rock opera, in my opinion. Anyways, back to the song.


What a perfect interpretation of infatuation. This boy, crazy about this girl and making her all these promises, and, I mean, really grand gestures and proclamations. And, this girl listens through this whole hormone laden rant, and humors him for a few seconds at the end just to throw water on his fantasies and tell it like it is. The thing that strikes me is how it seems like that IS how it normally is. At least in my relationship experience, which might be part of the problem. Perhaps the emotional maturity isn't there in the people I choose, and so when they fall for me, and I fall for them, the reality sets in sooner for them. That tizzy and flush of affection is replaced with annoyance and, dare I say, pity, because they are in a relationship with someone who they feel like has stronger feelings than they do.

Why does my love grow and their love fade?

I could go on about how I'm a good person, I decent looking, blah, blah, blah. But, I think there in lies the problem. When did I get so terribly needy? Instead of shrugging and saying, "Oh well... Your loss," it is like I must prove that I am the best thing they will ever have and they would be a fool for not wanting me. Yet, I am here having to convince someone they want me. It's insanity.

I guess admitting you have a problem is the first step in coming up with a solution, right? Or at least that is what I've been told.

So, here goes... My name is Jen, and I'm a love addict. Instead of loving the awesome person I am, I cling to shreds of acceptance I get from those around me. I stay in relationships in which I am treated as less than I deserve. I melt at proclamations of love, no matter how half hearted they might sound, and sometimes I feel powerless to walk away from the embrace of the heart I long for, even as they tear me down with their words. And, it needs to stop.

Until next time,
~Jen

Epiphany

"Maybe I'm a dreamer
Maybe I'm misunderstood
Maybe you're not seeing
the side of me you should

Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe I'm the only one
Maybe I'm just out of touch
Maybe I've just had enough"
~Sick Puppies, Maybe

So, I sit here, at work, actually working but on the kind of automatic mindless task that allows a person to much time to ponder life, and BOOM, it hits me. Just a thought, and one I've had many times before, and I suddenly can't focus. Must get it out. Must blog.

The thought? It's me. It's all me. The reason relationships don't work... Why I get the wrap as the moody bitch... Why most my family thinks I'm the hopeless black sheep... It's me. I am back in that dark place that somehow I keep slipping into. I work so hard to claw my way out everytime, and then somehow, when I'm not looking, I slip back in and it's total regression. Return of the self-loathing, the jealous sarcasm, the inability to maintain any degree of patience, the anger and blaming... UGH.

So, now it's back to square one. I guess part of me knew what my mind hadn't yet accepted, because I was trying to get back into blogging, which has always been my catharsis before. Here we go then. This has switched from hobby to therapy again.

Okay, break is over... Back to work... ;o)

~Jen

Stupid Girl

"Just because you like to lead doesn't mean he wants to dance. Some traditions are born of nature and last through time for a reason."
(Behrendt, 2004)

What is the line between appropriate effort and carrying a relationship? This is usually one of the big challenges for me. I think I do too much. I try to make everything perfect, and I am starting to realize that it really tends to backfire. I found myself driving the other day, obsessing over my actions in this pseudo relationship I have with my most recent ex, and I felt myself getting uptight and stressed. And then I told myself, "Let it go."

By that I mean I have to let go of my inherent need to understand everything in this relationship and how to fix it and how to make it last. I have to just sit back and let it be. I need to just enjoy this at face value because there might not be much more to it. I guess it's like a toy in a way; some are educational and teach a child how to practice in the many rolls required of us in life, and some are just to have fun and make us smile.

I need to just breathe and smile.

Jen

Something I Can Never Have

"If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will."
(Behrendt, 2004)

Here I am, finally feeling relieved of my sickness. It only took a couple weeks. And, in my feverish state, the ex decide to come take care of me. Now, that is something that definitely makes you rethink thinks. I was sweating, coughing, and unable to move (and therefore unable to shower) and he came and brought me something to drink and then laid by me and just held me and comforted me, in all my grossness, disregarding the likelihood that he could succumb to the same fate. And, he came back the next night, and the next, and when I was able to eat again, he made me dinner. Why in my weakened state does the universe taunt me like this?

I don't know. I kinda took another step back. Now, we are still technically single and yet still seeing each other and being passionate with each other and saying the "L" word. We are sharing intimacy, and passion, with no commitment. According to my COM 330 class that I am currently enrolled in, that is romantic love. Yes, that sounds like a good thing, but it really isn't. It's tragic and it never ends well. We just watched "Casablanca" in my class, and as you know if you've seen it, that didn't end well for Rick and Ilsa, but it was romantic. Didn't end well for Romeo and Juliet, but we all look to that as an picture of perfect love (or at least Taylor Swift does). Another popular example from"Titanic," Rose and Jack, and that one made me cry for an hour straight.

What to do... I certainly want romance. I certainly want to feel passion and intimacy, but is commitment to much to ask? Can anyone commit anymore? Maybe I'm too possessive. Maybe it's too much to ask to have someone who only longs for me? I'm so confused, but unfortunately that's nothing new for me. I'm thinking perhaps I should just shut my mouth and enjoy the ride and hope the boat doesn't hit the damn iceberg.

As I sit here and watch "Sex and the City," I am slightly inspired to the hope that maybe I'm more of a Carrie and Big kind of romance, because that eventually turned out well, right?

I guess we'll see...

Jen