Tuesday, April 05, 2011

F*ckin' Perfect

"You're so mean, when you talk
About yourself; you were wrong.
Change the voices, in your head
Make them like you instead
So complicated
Look happy, you'll make it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game"
(Pink, 2010)


Self-esteem has never been a trait I have been able to obtain. My self image was formed in my teenage years through a series of my mother's boyfriends who told me how ugly and stupid I was, and from a marriage at the tender age of sixteen to a much older man who was quick to criticize my barely developed body. What followed was a pattern of bringing people into my life who would keep my head down and my mind unable to even conceive of the possibility that I might have any real worth.

Enter a child and the realization that I was responsible for how this innocent soul would grow and think about her self and the world around her. I had to be better. I had to be more. For her. I enrolled in college. I began to read self help books. I started to study communications and psychology. My world grew exponentially.

If only my confidence could expand as much as my understanding of people and the world have. Unfortunately, I am still someone who would rather bite my lip than face criticism, and who looks in the mirror and can not see the person that others compliment. Consequently, I am also a woman who seems to demonstrate with her actions that she believes she deserves nothing better than a partner who cheats and lies and criticizes the few things of value she feels she possesses. Why? I can sit here and say I deserve better and believe it, but then when faced with the chance to go out and find better, I'd rather cower and pick up scraps of mediocre attention like a stray mutt. It's insanity.

I need to get my power back. I need to love me as much as I know I should. I need to not only know it, but live it. I need to be better. I need to be more. But, this time, for me.

~Jen

3 comments:

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Hey, don't be too hard on yourself there, it sounds to me like you're already moving in the right direction. I mean look what you've done already! It all happens bit by bit and you'll get there. As for the criticism, well, if it's constructive, try to take it as a helpful hint that might improve your life and if it isn't? Well screw that. People have to be pretty insecure themselves to criticize other people for no real reason. Who needs them?

You can call me Doctor. :) (don't)

Oh and hi!

Meowlissa said...

Jen! I'll try not to play the "Me too" card but. Oh em gee. Totally a "me too" moment. I'm just glad you have a good enough head on those shoulders of yours to keep kicking through life with a lion heart :)

Also, it is highly unfair that we live so far apart. Sigh.

((HUG YOU))

jenvampvegas said...

:o)

I sincerely believe one of the very few good consequences of the internet, at least in my life, is connecting with kindred spirits.

T.V.A. - Thanks for the advice. I'm so glad I discovered your blog. Love your writing!

Meowy - In these past several years, I have had the pleasure of reading you, and I have formed this visual in my head of you as this beautiful and amazingly smart and wise nymph. To hear that you can relate to my inane thinking in any way makes me feel equal parts shock and relief. Damn the distance. *hugs*