"You're so mean, when you talk
About yourself; you were wrong.
Change the voices, in your head
Make them like you instead
Look happy, you'll make it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game"
Self-esteem has never been a trait I have been able to obtain. My self image was formed in my teenage years through a series of my mother's boyfriends who told me how ugly and stupid I was, and from a marriage at the tender age of sixteen to a much older man who was quick to criticize my barely developed body. What followed was a pattern of bringing people into my life who would keep my head down and my mind unable to even conceive of the possibility that I might have any real worth.
Enter a child and the realization that I was responsible for how this innocent soul would grow and think about her self and the world around her. I had to be better. I had to be more. For her. I enrolled in college. I began to read self help books. I started to study communications and psychology. My world grew exponentially.
If only my confidence could expand as much as my understanding of people and the world have. Unfortunately, I am still someone who would rather bite my lip than face criticism, and who looks in the mirror and can not see the person that others compliment. Consequently, I am also a woman who seems to demonstrate with her actions that she believes she deserves nothing better than a partner who cheats and lies and criticizes the few things of value she feels she possesses. Why? I can sit here and say I deserve better and believe it, but then when faced with the chance to go out and find better, I'd rather cower and pick up scraps of mediocre attention like a stray mutt. It's insanity.
I need to get my power back. I need to love me as much as I know I should. I need to not only know it, but live it. I need to be better. I need to be more. But, this time, for me.