"I'm through accepting limits
'cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But 'til I try, I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost
I'd sooner buy defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
And you won't bring me down"
(Schwartz, 2003)
When love is good, it is worth everything. You really sacrifice your soul to another for love, and there is nothing wrong with that... Unless it's not reciprocated.
First, we must define the love I'm talking about, because we all know love is subjective and everyone has a different definition. I am talking about wanting the best for someone, wanting to see them succeed, wanting them to reach their potential but cherishing them for their great qualities as well as their suck ones. Most of all, just wanting to see them happy, and feeling like their happiness has a part in your own. It's an all consuming feeling that can't help but flow over into actions, not three little words I could probably teach my cat to say.
I love deeply and completely when I fall for someone, and it is definitely to a fault, because I often lose sight of my own happiness when I'm trying to make someone else happy. Sometimes, I become so engulfed in a relationship that not only do I lose sight of my happiness, but I start to lose myself. That is a hard spot to come back from, with a vicious circle and all. They say I'm not good enough, I start to believe it, and instead of walking away like I know I should (after all, I am not an idiot; I'm about a year away from getting bachelor degrees in both Psychology and Communications, for goodness sakes!), I linger because I don't think I deserve any better. How many times, though, can you walk away from someone before you stop turning around? It's very much like an invisible force pulling me back, compelling me to do that I know I shouldn't.
Tonight was yet another night where plans were ended because of a misunderstanding that blew out of proportion rather quickly. I've noticed I argue less and leave faster each time. Then, when the texts came as I drove home, texts that started out with "I can't do this anymore" and then tempered gradually to "I will miss you so much," I simply replied either, "I agree," or "Okay." And, I didn't cry. That's major, because anyone who knows me knows I cry at the drop of a Hallmark commercial. I drove home, singing along with the radio (okay, so it was just one song on repeat over and over, but it was empowering), and staying completely calm. Progress. I need to keep walking forward this time.
I have lost almost all my confidence and pride and self-esteem in the year since I started falling for this person. That is far too much a cost for something that brought me mostly pain and heartbreak. I have some rebuilding to do. And, the next time I find someone, and I will because I am a witty, attractive, and caring person, I will recognize the limits, and never let them set those limits for me. Someone will love me for me, and even if eventually that is just me loving myself, that is okay. Life is about more than finding a spouse; I think it's more about finding yourself, and if you find someone else who recognizes how awesome a person that is, then bonus.
"Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap"
(Schwartz, 2003)
~Jen
