Friday, October 30, 2015

But, I Have My Moments

"I am not the prettiest you've ever seen
But I have my moments, I have my moments
Not the flawless one, I've never been
But I have my moments, I have my moments
I can get a little drunk, I get into all the drugs
But on good days I am charming as fuck"
~"Moments" by T. Lo, 2015

It's been almost two years since my last blog. And, what have I done in that time? Well, for a while I was just existing. Going through the motions of the daily life of a single mom with a teenager. Sounds boring, and it was, but it was what I needed. For years, I had let myself be verbally put down by an ex parading as a "friend," but he was really just crushing my self esteem, and keeping me in the mindset that I was not good enough, and that no one would ever love me, and that I should be grateful for the morsels of affection he gave me. I tried to be his friend, but I felt lower than low. I felt like, if this was all I could ever expect from someone, if this was the best I could get, I would surely rather be alone forever. To me, life without passion, be it sex, love, friendships, art, etc., isn't really living, but existing. I just don't want any of it if it doesn't have that sparkle, that fire.

Then, a good friend of mine, Adam, passed away. He was only maybe seven months older than I am, and it was sudden and unexpected. At one time, Adam and I were the closest of friends. We would hang out together all the time, going to movies or out to eat. When I needed a ride, he was there. When I needed someone to serve my ex-husband with divorce papers, he was there. My daughter's birthday parties, holidays, any new shmuck boyfriend I got, he was there. But, then he moved away, and we kind of lost touch. I would see him on social media, and comment on each other's stuff on occasion, but I hadn't seen him in years, even after he moved back to Vegas. Then I got the message from his brother-in-law that he has been found dead in his apartment from natural causes. I was devastated because my friend was gone forever, but even more so that I had been a failure as a friend for letting so much time go by before contacting him, always assuming there would be time later. Later was too late.

From the depth of my grief came the realization that life is too short to be staring at the ground, on the edge of tears all the time because the person you are around the most is this heavy, negative, anchor, dragging you down. I let go. And, for the first time in years, I lifted my gaze to the sky. It felt good. So many things were still wrong, but at least I could start to feel my heart healing. I still had anger, and a deep feeling of bitterness, but ultimately I knew that I was the only person I could blame for staying when I really knew I shouldn't. I accepted that I was messed up, and I needed to heal. That is when an amazing thing happened; Jen started to come back. People began to want to be around me, and that felt good. I could make people laugh and smile, and that was the Neosporin to my soul.

I would like to think in the time I have been away, I have begun the journey back to me. Back to a world that holds a sparkle and shine, where a daily grin has replaced the daily tears. While I accept I am not pretty in general, I do believe I have moments where I am. I'm far from perfect, but there are moments I feel almost attractive. There was one major thing that I have been missing, and I have kind of been spinning my tires because of it, and that is the lack of a hobby. Then I stumbled upon this blog and thought, yes, that is what I need to do... Write! That has always been a passion, and so I am going to try to get it in more, because it really does make me feel good to get my thoughts out in writing, even if no one reads it. So, hopefully, I get into this routine, and that further pushes me towards happiness.

Well, I can hope...

~Jen 

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