Thursday, January 09, 2014

Loving Him Was Red

"Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street
Faster than the wind, passionate as sin, ending so suddenly
Loving him is like trying to change your mind once you're already flying through the free fall
Like the colors in autumn, so bright just before they lose it all

Losing him was blue like I'd never known
Missing him was dark grey all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met
But loving him was red
Loving him was red

 Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you
Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song
Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there's no right answer
Regretting him was like wishing you never found out that love could be that strong."
~"Red" by T. Swift, 2012

What is it about exes? Like a comfy sweater you find in the back of the closest... Maybe it's something about time romanticizing the memories. Maybe when you are resigned to being single for the rest of your life, as I have, it's a better option than hooking up with someone new.

Here I am, about to celebrate my three year anniversary of being single. After my last disaster, detailed on this very blog, I decided I needed time. Time to heal, time to reflect, and time to focus on finding myself again. I think I did all that. And, the call of the keyboard has brought me back here, to my favorite guilty pleasure; writing.

In this time of introspection, I also think I realized that maybe I am just not a "relationship" type of person. I mean, I would love to say every ex was 100% at fault for things not working out, but of course that's not true. No one is blameless. In addition, like attracts like. I was messed up, and I attracted that, so things were pretty much doomed from the get go. I also think that maybe I got into these impossible relationships because deep down I knew I didn't want to really be a wife. It's not a label that fits me. I would rather just be Jen.

The last few years, thanks to the far reaching massiveness of social networking, I have been in the position to reconnect, virtually, with former loves. I see their lives daily, as they see mine, and we "like" each others photos and leave brief comments on statuses occasionally. It is truly awesome to see them with their spouses and kids and so happy. I genuinely only want the best for them.

It does sting a little bit, too. For reasons that are purely emotional and sentimentally based. Adults can deal with this, though. It's just part of loving someone. You want them happy, even if it's with someone else, but of course your heart still yearns irrationally.

That being said, I am a mature now and know that the past is best left in a photo album. I am learning how to enjoy now and make new memories. Life is short, beautiful, and better when viewed from the windshield than from the rear view mirror. I want to get the most out of it and just love everything.

Of course, we all have to glance at what's behind us now and then.

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