"Set me free, why don't you, babe?
Get out my life, why don't you, babe?
Because you don't really love me
You just keep me hangin' on"
(1966, Holland, Dozier, Holland)
Only in love could you kill someone over and over again. Only in love (or stupidity; fine line between the two sometimes, I know) could you allow someone to cause you pain over and over again. As I tread the waters of relationship limbo, I find myself so confused and utterly lost. Unable to fully let go, but yet knowing that there is little to hold on to. Yes, my grip is slowly starting to ease, but I wish I had the strength to just walk away and not look back.
I know I will get there, but in the meantime I am destroying any ounce of self-esteem I once possessed to stay semi-attached to someone who obviously doesn't value my feelings or love over the attention of others. Is it a matter of having to hit rock bottom on the confidence scale to realize that I must let go? It's pathetic, I know. He will make a comment that subtley cuts at my core, and I will just look at him now and say, "Someday you are going to miss me. Someday you will look back and wonder why you were so mean to the sweet woman who loved you so," and he will laugh and say, "Aw, baby, you know I love you."
Do I?
I know he has the capability of saying the words. But, feeling the emotion, ehhhh, I'm not so sure about that. That I spend almost every moment we are together wondering who else he is thinking about and he spends almost every one of those same moments not caring what I think at all just goes to show I am insane for even remaining in this situation.
I need my strength back.
I've misplaced myself somewhere along the way, and I need to figure out where the real me wandered off to. I need to stop being the lead actress in my life and instead just live it. I'm wasting too much precious time.
Until later,
~Jen
