"He walks away
The sun goes down
He takes the day but I'm grown
And there's no way, in this blue shape
My tears dry on their own
I don't understand
Why do I stress a man
When there's so many bigger things at hand
We could've never had it all
We had to hit a wall
So this is inevitable withdrawal
Even if I stop wanting you
A perspective pushes true
I'll be some next man's other woman soon
I shouldn't play myself again
I should just be my own best friend
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men"
(Winehouse, 2007)
I had told myself that I wasn't going to blog again until I had something positive to say. Every blog I had posted before my little hiatus had been so gloomy, and even I was getting sick of my Debbie Downer routine. So, I waited it out. And, it took a lot longer than I expected to feel like writing. Plus, the spring semester had finished up, so I really just needed some me time.
A cool thing happens when you give yourself time to be alone, and that thing is self reflection. I have done so much thinking the past month, about things like my friends and relationships, my health, my child's health and mental development, to even my eventual and inevitable disappearence from the universe. At times it had me worried and terrified, but it always came around to the same realization. NOW is the time. I can't put anything off. I can't waste time. The sands running through my hourglass are not going to pause, and so I need to make the most of every grain. I need to stop being an asshole, and freakin' live. I don't hate my life; I've actually been pretty fortunate in a lot of ways. But, that being said, I could certainly make it better. Since this is the only one I'm going to get, I damn well better make the most of it.
Okay, I will admit, I am going through a bit of a mid-life crisis, but that's okay. I am acknowledging it and embracing it. I would rather appreciate my life now then wait until I get diagnosed with cancer or some other miserable condition. I am in relatively good health, and I've been to a couple doctors recently to confirm that, so I need to use it. How many people out there who are not healthy would I be disrespecting by not utilizing my ability to do pretty much anything I want to? And, if I am even alive 50 years from now, I would look back on myself in disgust for not jumping on the opportunity to do something with myself besides moping and self loathing.
I guess what I realized, and what I know I already knew but wasn't acting on, is that crying over a unfaithful lover or a disappearing friend is not going to change anything, and it's just wasting precious time I could be spending on making my life or self better. There are always going to be people who don't like me, no matter what I do, and life goes on. I can't let it defeat me. I need to take the good and leave the bad and move on. We are all just here, making the most of this little glimpse of life we are given. Hurt will happen, just like sadness and disappointment and tears. But, wounds heal, tears dry, and the sun eventually always rises. In the end, what matters is that I'm still here to experience it all, and appreciate it while I can.
~Jen
