Dear John

"Well maybe it's me
And my blind optimism to blame
Maybe it's you and your sick need
To give love then take it away
And you'll add my name to your
Long list of people who don't understand
And I'll look back and regret
I ignored when they said
Run as fast as you can"
(2010, Swift)

The hardest part of being wrong is knowing you are wrong. When the claim to ignorance is taken away, it really makes every situation much bleaker. I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I should have left him in early December when I got the email from the woman he was cheating on me with. Sparing the rationalizing details of why I asked to keep a farce up through the holidays and pretend to stay together, and then actually remain is lessening states of a relationship, I ultimately didn't walk away. Like a fool.

So, the moment of clarity came for me tonight. I went over to his house because he wanted to make us dinner and spend some time together, and even though I have a project due tomorrow for class, I packed my school work up and resigned to finish it at his house so we could at least spend some time together. I drive 25 minutes to his house, where he won't even make the effort to get up from his video game to answer the door much less give me a hug, instead yelling through the window that the door was unlocked and to come on up. I sit on the bed for 10 minutes while he is on speaker phone with his buddy playing this game, and I go to the bathroom and stare in the mirror and ask myself, "Really? You are doing all this for a guy who won't even get up to acknowledge your presence? Seriously, you don't think you deserve better?" And, I looked back at myself and thought for the first time in months, "I so fucking deserve better than this."

After some shouting back and forth, and to the mutual declarations that neither of us "needed this shit" and "have a nice life," I left. As I was driving home, I actually started to think about the ramifications of never seeing him again. I texted my BFF that it was probably finally over (much to her delight), and as I showered, I thought of possible responses I might need to give to any texts or emails he might send me.

It feels over. And I think (and hope) that I'm finally okay with that.

~Jen

You Keep Me Hangin' On

"Set me free, why don't you, babe?
Get out my life, why don't you, babe?
Because you don't really love me
You just keep me hangin' on"
(1966, Holland, Dozier, Holland)

Only in love could you kill someone over and over again. Only in love (or stupidity; fine line between the two sometimes, I know) could you allow someone to cause you pain over and over again. As I tread the waters of relationship limbo, I find myself so confused and utterly lost. Unable to fully let go, but yet knowing that there is little to hold on to. Yes, my grip is slowly starting to ease, but I wish I had the strength to just walk away and not look back.

I know I will get there, but in the meantime I am destroying any ounce of self-esteem I once possessed to stay semi-attached to someone who obviously doesn't value my feelings or love over the attention of others. Is it a matter of having to hit rock bottom on the confidence scale to realize that I must let go? It's pathetic, I know. He will make a comment that subtley cuts at my core, and I will just look at him now and say, "Someday you are going to miss me. Someday you will look back and wonder why you were so mean to the sweet woman who loved you so," and he will laugh and say, "Aw, baby, you know I love you."

Do I?

I know he has the capability of saying the words. But, feeling the emotion, ehhhh, I'm not so sure about that. That I spend almost every moment we are together wondering who else he is thinking about and he spends almost every one of those same moments not caring what I think at all just goes to show I am insane for even remaining in this situation.

I need my strength back.

I've misplaced myself somewhere along the way, and I need to figure out where the real me wandered off to. I need to stop being the lead actress in my life and instead just live it. I'm wasting too much precious time.

Until later,

~Jen

"In A Moment"

In a moment I realized what it meant
I saw the reflection of my own sadness in your eyes
I felt the void between what I thought we had
And what you thought we had
I felt the difference in priorities
And the deepness of my shame

In a moment I will leave your life
I will try to forget the bliss I felt from your touch
The ecstasy I found in your embrace
And the passion that I will forever miss
A feeling that had long slipped away
To be replaced with rejection and doubt

In a moment I will heal from this heartbreak
I will finally forget the last time I glimpsed your face
The feel of your flesh against mine will haunt
And I will struggle to remember the sound of your voice
I will avoid the memories of us
So the scars from our war will fade with the years

In a moment I will come across the box of our time together
I will blow off the dust and carefully open the lid
Pangs of conflicting emotions will flood my soul
And I will smile as my eyes well up one last time
As the bad memories have faded
I will be free to enjoy the ghost of we

In a moment I will breathe my last breath
A long life lived and finally coming to an end
As the last sands of my hourglass start to fall
And I am flooded with memories of my time on Earth
There will be a second your faces flashes by
I will be glad to see it there as I say goodbye

Is That I Should

"Because I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should"
~Missy Higgins, Where I Stood

I'm so depressed right now. I had a not so great day yesterday, and now it is 3:46am, and I am sitting her sulking instead of doing homework, which I desperately need to do. Feeling this way sucks. And, yes, the rational part of me knows that only I can change the way I feel and if I want to make a change, I need to do it, blah, blah, blah... I just don't feel like it right now. I want to hibernate in a cave of covers. I want the world to melt away into yummy fuzzy dreaminess. I guess I want to escape reality for a bit.

And, the reality I want to escape? I think I have this just general overpowering feeling of not being wanted at the moment. And, yes, once again I know I should just change my situation and surround myself with people who do genuinely want to be around me and love me, but I just can't find my footing lately. It's like I've fallen and I can't get up, and I don't have a handy life alert bracelet to come to my rescue. I'm just laying here absorbing the smooth coldness of the floor.

I don't know. I'm just not in a good place right now in my head. Yet, I know what I need to do and just can't do it.

I just can't do it...

~Jen

...But I Won't Do That

"After awhile you'll forget everything.
It was a brief interlude
And a midsummer night's fling,
And you'll see that it's time to move on.
I know the territory,
I've been around,
It'll all turn to dust and will all fall down,
Sooner or later, you'll be screwing around."
~Meatloaf, I Would Do Anything For Love

I was reminded of this song today. Such a great song. I am just the kind of overly dramatic soul who adores the styling of Meatloaf or Jack Black. There is nothing like some good rock opera, in my opinion. Anyways, back to the song.


What a perfect interpretation of infatuation. This boy, crazy about this girl and making her all these promises, and, I mean, really grand gestures and proclamations. And, this girl listens through this whole hormone laden rant, and humors him for a few seconds at the end just to throw water on his fantasies and tell it like it is. The thing that strikes me is how it seems like that IS how it normally is. At least in my relationship experience, which might be part of the problem. Perhaps the emotional maturity isn't there in the people I choose, and so when they fall for me, and I fall for them, the reality sets in sooner for them. That tizzy and flush of affection is replaced with annoyance and, dare I say, pity, because they are in a relationship with someone who they feel like has stronger feelings than they do.

Why does my love grow and their love fade?

I could go on about how I'm a good person, I decent looking, blah, blah, blah. But, I think there in lies the problem. When did I get so terribly needy? Instead of shrugging and saying, "Oh well... Your loss," it is like I must prove that I am the best thing they will ever have and they would be a fool for not wanting me. Yet, I am here having to convince someone they want me. It's insanity.

I guess admitting you have a problem is the first step in coming up with a solution, right? Or at least that is what I've been told.

So, here goes... My name is Jen, and I'm a love addict. Instead of loving the awesome person I am, I cling to shreds of acceptance I get from those around me. I stay in relationships in which I am treated as less than I deserve. I melt at proclamations of love, no matter how half hearted they might sound, and sometimes I feel powerless to walk away from the embrace of the heart I long for, even as they tear me down with their words. And, it needs to stop.

Until next time,
~Jen