Dear John

"Well maybe it's me
And my blind optimism to blame
Maybe it's you and your sick need
To give love then take it away
And you'll add my name to your
Long list of people who don't understand
And I'll look back and regret
I ignored when they said
Run as fast as you can"
(2010, Swift)

The hardest part of being wrong is knowing you are wrong. When the claim to ignorance is taken away, it really makes every situation much bleaker. I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I should have left him in early December when I got the email from the woman he was cheating on me with. Sparing the rationalizing details of why I asked to keep a farce up through the holidays and pretend to stay together, and then actually remain is lessening states of a relationship, I ultimately didn't walk away. Like a fool.

So, the moment of clarity came for me tonight. I went over to his house because he wanted to make us dinner and spend some time together, and even though I have a project due tomorrow for class, I packed my school work up and resigned to finish it at his house so we could at least spend some time together. I drive 25 minutes to his house, where he won't even make the effort to get up from his video game to answer the door much less give me a hug, instead yelling through the window that the door was unlocked and to come on up. I sit on the bed for 10 minutes while he is on speaker phone with his buddy playing this game, and I go to the bathroom and stare in the mirror and ask myself, "Really? You are doing all this for a guy who won't even get up to acknowledge your presence? Seriously, you don't think you deserve better?" And, I looked back at myself and thought for the first time in months, "I so fucking deserve better than this."

After some shouting back and forth, and to the mutual declarations that neither of us "needed this shit" and "have a nice life," I left. As I was driving home, I actually started to think about the ramifications of never seeing him again. I texted my BFF that it was probably finally over (much to her delight), and as I showered, I thought of possible responses I might need to give to any texts or emails he might send me.

It feels over. And I think (and hope) that I'm finally okay with that.

~Jen

Stupid Girl

"Just because you like to lead doesn't mean he wants to dance. Some traditions are born of nature and last through time for a reason."
(Behrendt, 2004)

What is the line between appropriate effort and carrying a relationship? This is usually one of the big challenges for me. I think I do too much. I try to make everything perfect, and I am starting to realize that it really tends to backfire. I found myself driving the other day, obsessing over my actions in this pseudo relationship I have with my most recent ex, and I felt myself getting uptight and stressed. And then I told myself, "Let it go."

By that I mean I have to let go of my inherent need to understand everything in this relationship and how to fix it and how to make it last. I have to just sit back and let it be. I need to just enjoy this at face value because there might not be much more to it. I guess it's like a toy in a way; some are educational and teach a child how to practice in the many rolls required of us in life, and some are just to have fun and make us smile.

I need to just breathe and smile.

Jen

End of the Road

"You're worth it."
(Behrendt, 2004)

That is the quote for today out of, "He's just not into you; Your daily wake-up call." I completely ended my relationship of eight months this morning with a guy who I completely fell for and the found out was cheating on me a little over a month ago. I asked if he would mind pretending we were still together through the holidays, and he eagerly agreed. He claimed he wanted to prove he just want me. Unfortunately, I kept stumbling onto secrets, and a week ago I downgraded us to just friends status, and then this morning I realized I just couldn't handle it anymore. I sent him a text telling him so, and he agreed to give me time but if I ever needed him to just call. That was at 8:14am this morning.

It's been a tough day, amplified by the fact that I'm sick as a dog with some kind of cold or flu. I slept most the day, but forced myself to eat and bathe about an hour ago. While I was in the bath, thinking too much as I frequently tend to do, I thought maybe getting everything out in a blog will help expedite my healing process. So, here I am. I am going to try to blog everyday and address the quote of the day from what I consider my personal bible, "He's just not that into you." (Great book! If you haven't read it, you should buy it and give it a read.)

Today's quote... Yes, I am worth it. I know I deserve happiness; we all do. I just need to find the right happiness instead of the wrong.

Ttyl...
Jen

Foolish Games

"You're very good at a game I don't want to play. So, I'm done here. But you better step away from the mirror long enough to check the damage that will always be right behind you." (2007, HSM 2)

I sit here now, extremely upset. The person I am angry with sits in this room, failing to realize what they did wrong. Granted, it's not all their fault, but they are refusing to see their part in the grief that I am feeling at this moment. This person never puts me first, never values the special person I am. I feel constantly put down by them and their constant criticism. I am never smart enough, pretty enough, fun enough, or interesting enough for them. They break me down. Sometimes I wonder if they even like me at all, because most of the time I really don't feel it. I'm sure you are wondering why I put up with this person and don't kick them to the curb.

Well, because it's me.

Once again, I have put myself in a position where I have ended up being a fool. Yes, it is good to put your trust in people, but when someone proves they are not worthy of trust through their actions, then it is only logically to retract that trust and distance yourself from that person. It would only be dumb to keep doing the same thing and expecting different results. That is lunacy, right? Or, at the very least, the actions of a very desperate and sad individual.

But, that's what I did.

Now I crawl away to cower in the corner and lick my wounds, knowing very well that it's my own fault that I allowed myself to get wounded so badly. I would love to just be pissed at the person who betrayed me, but I in essence handed that person a gun and stood in front of the target and expected them not to aim it at me again. I am the fool. That is what I need to come to terms with. Giving someone the opportunity to hurt me not once, not twice, but three times. I am smarter than that. I deserve better than that.

There are people in this world who will lie and hide things, and their will be people who aide them and help them and even praise them for their deeds. People will stoop to levels that I will never understand for momentary satisfaction or for something as petty as bragging rights. Some people will even take something pure like love or trust and toss it aside like it is an old, boring toy. These people will always exist, and all the rest of us will constantly encounter these people.

The key, though, is to recognize that being treated like that by those people isn't acceptable, and closing the door. Perhaps there will be embarrassment, but their will still be the ability to hold your head high with class and dignity because you didn't sink to that level and because you recognized that you deserve better. It's hard to believe, but I sincerely think it is better to have been cheated on or lied to than to have been a party to cheating or lying to someone unknowing.

I deserve better.

Jen