Lips of An Angel

"It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words - it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But, girl, you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel"
                  ~Lips of an Angel lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC


What a different world it is since I used to write. Such a different space this is then the one I used to use as a platform for my thoughts and feelings. Now it's a platform for everyone's thoughts. No need to have the skill of putting words to the page; you barely need the ability to spell anymore. Between open letters and mommy/daddy/teen/pet blogs and keyboard warriors waging their war on every societal norm in which they disagree with their mighty typing. Hell, one doesn't even need a computer, because even the most powerful among us use their Twitter fingers with wild abandon to grammar, or sentence structure. 

I have watch all this with sadness, as someone who has always cherished the written word. There was a time I would have told you my favorite book was a thesaurus. Yet now, after reading opinion after opinion, rant after rant, and sometimes just a steady stream of mental diarrhea that pours out of any screen lately, I feel an over-saturation. Why would anyone choose to read another random blog by an essential nobody, when there are all these celebrities to follow? Who even wants to read, when they can watch YouTube for hours or live feeds on any social media platform? 

I do. I cherish books that thankfully still exist, and hope that knowledge and enlightenment will not be replaced by ignorance and intolerance. But, even I admit, I don't devour them like I used to. At the risk of sounding like and old person who is stubborn and steadfast in their ways, I just feel like we've lost something. A special thing that can't fully be replaced by videos and pictures and the collective opinion. 

Being in the midst of someone who can truly articulate themselves, whether through writing or speech, is a beautiful thing. Words are a gift that are unique to us as humans, and I feel it slipping away. Almost like we are reverting back to a time when people communicated in grunts and by drawing pictures on walls. I read countless posts by young people who can't spell some of the simplest words correctly. I even read online articles from newspapers with so many typos, I wonder how no one cares. Why does no one care? 

Then I realize it doesn't matter. Honestly, one middle-aged mom in Las Vegas has her heart hurt over the world's apathy toward the death of the written word. There are children dying of cancer, innocent people being murdered over their beliefs, poisons being released into our water, air, on soil, and I'm going to bitch about this? I understand how ridiculous that is. That's why I don't even see a point to this. Anything I have to say, anything I have even thought, has been expressed by someone else in a much better way on some other forum. 

I suppose I can do it for me. Block comments so I don't have to listen to trolls who only want to feed on the sadness and insecurity they bring. Maybe. Writing is like a cherished lover to me, the thing I always drift back to because it ignites a passion and fills me inside like nothing else quite can, even after years away from it. By no means am I trying to say I'm a great writer. I am not. But, I strived to be, once upon a time.

Perhaps it is not the world I am so mad at, but at myself. I know there was a time where the potential was there, as well as the drive, and the world still wanted what I had to give, and yet I let that golden moment, that wisp of promise, slip away. And, for what? I'm sure for the thing most foolish young people throw away their dreams for. Love. As it turns out, it wasn't even for love, but just the hope of it. Not once, not twice, but many more times than should be allowed. A heart should not be allowed to break so much. Now I sit here, alone, with no desire for that thing I squandered dreams for, and nothing to show for it but the ghosts of my misplaced affections and the wisdom of hindsight. 


Alas, the world has moved on, and that flicker of something I had in what seems like a different life is not anything of value here. I accept that. On top of that, there are countless tragedies far worse. I know. But, that doesn't make it less sad to me.

Inspiration

I need a hobby.

Do you ever think too much? Think yourself into circles, questioning everything and everyone in your life until you are left sobbing in a ball in your bed wondering about the meaning of it all? No? Me neither...

Okay, so, yeah, I confess I have been a sobbing ball more nights than I want to admit. I'm hoping it's just because I don't do well with stress, and my life is just level 10 stress right currently. But, maybe I can start to make that better.

I was at a show for one of my many talented friends, talking to a couple of his beautiful and also talented friends, and one of them said something that triggered a switch in my head. She was telling me how she loves to draw, but she can't just have someone point at something and say "draw that," because she has to be inspired. That is exactly how I feel about writing. I have to be inspired. Unfortunately, bad times often are what get those creative juices flowing. So, with the state of my life right now, it should be Niagara falls up in here.

I'm going to try (again) to start blogging on a regular basis. We shall see if it sticks. Heaven knows I can use the distraction, I just don't know if I can be that disappointed anymore.

Wish me luck.

-Jen

But, I Have My Moments

"I am not the prettiest you've ever seen
But I have my moments, I have my moments
Not the flawless one, I've never been
But I have my moments, I have my moments
I can get a little drunk, I get into all the drugs
But on good days I am charming as fuck"
~"Moments" by T. Lo, 2015

It's been almost two years since my last blog. And, what have I done in that time? Well, for a while I was just existing. Going through the motions of the daily life of a single mom with a teenager. Sounds boring, and it was, but it was what I needed. For years, I had let myself be verbally put down by an ex parading as a "friend," but he was really just crushing my self esteem, and keeping me in the mindset that I was not good enough, and that no one would ever love me, and that I should be grateful for the morsels of affection he gave me. I tried to be his friend, but I felt lower than low. I felt like, if this was all I could ever expect from someone, if this was the best I could get, I would surely rather be alone forever. To me, life without passion, be it sex, love, friendships, art, etc., isn't really living, but existing. I just don't want any of it if it doesn't have that sparkle, that fire.

Then, a good friend of mine, Adam, passed away. He was only maybe seven months older than I am, and it was sudden and unexpected. At one time, Adam and I were the closest of friends. We would hang out together all the time, going to movies or out to eat. When I needed a ride, he was there. When I needed someone to serve my ex-husband with divorce papers, he was there. My daughter's birthday parties, holidays, any new shmuck boyfriend I got, he was there. But, then he moved away, and we kind of lost touch. I would see him on social media, and comment on each other's stuff on occasion, but I hadn't seen him in years, even after he moved back to Vegas. Then I got the message from his brother-in-law that he has been found dead in his apartment from natural causes. I was devastated because my friend was gone forever, but even more so that I had been a failure as a friend for letting so much time go by before contacting him, always assuming there would be time later. Later was too late.

From the depth of my grief came the realization that life is too short to be staring at the ground, on the edge of tears all the time because the person you are around the most is this heavy, negative, anchor, dragging you down. I let go. And, for the first time in years, I lifted my gaze to the sky. It felt good. So many things were still wrong, but at least I could start to feel my heart healing. I still had anger, and a deep feeling of bitterness, but ultimately I knew that I was the only person I could blame for staying when I really knew I shouldn't. I accepted that I was messed up, and I needed to heal. That is when an amazing thing happened; Jen started to come back. People began to want to be around me, and that felt good. I could make people laugh and smile, and that was the Neosporin to my soul.

I would like to think in the time I have been away, I have begun the journey back to me. Back to a world that holds a sparkle and shine, where a daily grin has replaced the daily tears. While I accept I am not pretty in general, I do believe I have moments where I am. I'm far from perfect, but there are moments I feel almost attractive. There was one major thing that I have been missing, and I have kind of been spinning my tires because of it, and that is the lack of a hobby. Then I stumbled upon this blog and thought, yes, that is what I need to do... Write! That has always been a passion, and so I am going to try to get it in more, because it really does make me feel good to get my thoughts out in writing, even if no one reads it. So, hopefully, I get into this routine, and that further pushes me towards happiness.

Well, I can hope...

~Jen 

Loving Him Was Red

"Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street
Faster than the wind, passionate as sin, ending so suddenly
Loving him is like trying to change your mind once you're already flying through the free fall
Like the colors in autumn, so bright just before they lose it all

Losing him was blue like I'd never known
Missing him was dark grey all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met
But loving him was red
Loving him was red

 Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you
Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song
Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there's no right answer
Regretting him was like wishing you never found out that love could be that strong."
~"Red" by T. Swift, 2012

What is it about exes? Like a comfy sweater you find in the back of the closest... Maybe it's something about time romanticizing the memories. Maybe when you are resigned to being single for the rest of your life, as I have, it's a better option than hooking up with someone new.

Here I am, about to celebrate my three year anniversary of being single. After my last disaster, detailed on this very blog, I decided I needed time. Time to heal, time to reflect, and time to focus on finding myself again. I think I did all that. And, the call of the keyboard has brought me back here, to my favorite guilty pleasure; writing.

In this time of introspection, I also think I realized that maybe I am just not a "relationship" type of person. I mean, I would love to say every ex was 100% at fault for things not working out, but of course that's not true. No one is blameless. In addition, like attracts like. I was messed up, and I attracted that, so things were pretty much doomed from the get go. I also think that maybe I got into these impossible relationships because deep down I knew I didn't want to really be a wife. It's not a label that fits me. I would rather just be Jen.

The last few years, thanks to the far reaching massiveness of social networking, I have been in the position to reconnect, virtually, with former loves. I see their lives daily, as they see mine, and we "like" each others photos and leave brief comments on statuses occasionally. It is truly awesome to see them with their spouses and kids and so happy. I genuinely only want the best for them.

It does sting a little bit, too. For reasons that are purely emotional and sentimentally based. Adults can deal with this, though. It's just part of loving someone. You want them happy, even if it's with someone else, but of course your heart still yearns irrationally.

That being said, I am a mature now and know that the past is best left in a photo album. I am learning how to enjoy now and make new memories. Life is short, beautiful, and better when viewed from the windshield than from the rear view mirror. I want to get the most out of it and just love everything.

Of course, we all have to glance at what's behind us now and then.

Tears Dry On Their Own

"He walks away
The sun goes down
He takes the day but I'm grown
And there's no way, in this blue shape
My tears dry on their own

I don't understand
Why do I stress a man
When there's so many bigger things at hand
We could've never had it all
We had to hit a wall
So this is inevitable withdrawal
Even if I stop wanting you
A perspective pushes true
I'll be some next man's other woman soon

I shouldn't play myself again
I should just be my own best friend
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men"
(Winehouse, 2007)

I had told myself that I wasn't going to blog again until I had something positive to say. Every blog I had posted before my little hiatus had been so gloomy, and even I was getting sick of my Debbie Downer routine. So, I waited it out. And, it took a lot longer than I expected to feel like writing. Plus, the spring semester had finished up, so I really just needed some me time.

A cool thing happens when you give yourself time to be alone, and that thing is self reflection. I have done so much thinking the past month, about things like my friends and relationships, my health, my child's health and mental development, to even my eventual and inevitable disappearence from the universe. At times it had me worried and terrified, but it always came around to the same realization. NOW is the time. I can't put anything off. I can't waste time. The sands running through my hourglass are not going to pause, and so I need to make the most of every grain. I need to stop being an asshole, and freakin' live. I don't hate my life; I've actually been pretty fortunate in a lot of ways. But, that being said, I could certainly make it better. Since this is the only one I'm going to get, I damn well better make the most of it.

Okay, I will admit, I am going through a bit of a mid-life crisis, but that's okay. I am acknowledging it and embracing it. I would rather appreciate my life now then wait until I get diagnosed with cancer or some other miserable condition. I am in relatively good health, and I've been to a couple doctors recently to confirm that, so I need to use it. How many people out there who are not healthy would I be disrespecting by not utilizing my ability to do pretty much anything I want to? And, if I am even alive 50 years from now, I would look back on myself in disgust for not jumping on the opportunity to do something with myself besides moping and self loathing.

I guess what I realized, and what I know I already knew but wasn't acting on, is that crying over a unfaithful lover or a disappearing friend is not going to change anything, and it's just wasting precious time I could be spending on making my life or self better. There are always going to be people who don't like me, no matter what I do, and life goes on. I can't let it defeat me. I need to take the good and leave the bad and move on. We are all just here, making the most of this little glimpse of life we are given. Hurt will happen, just like sadness and disappointment and tears. But, wounds heal, tears dry, and the sun eventually always rises. In the end, what matters is that I'm still here to experience it all, and appreciate it while I can.

~Jen 

Never Ever

"Never ever have I ever felt so low
When you gonna take me out of this black hole?
Never ever have I ever felt so sad
The way I'm feeling yeah, you got me feeling really bad

Never ever have I had to find
I've had to dig away to find my own peace of mind
I've Never ever had my conscience to fight
The way I'm feeling, yeah, I just don't feel right

I'll keep searching, deep within my soul
For all the answers, don't wanna hurt no more
I need peace, got to feel at ease, need to be
Free from pain - going insane, my heart aches, yeah"
(McVey & Fiennes, 1997)


Tonight it will be a week. A week since we last communicated. It has been a very painful week for me. Reality has soaked in like a spilled cup of hot coffee, and I am still trying to clean up the mess. I do miss him terribley, but I don't miss the arguing or fighting or the feeling like I'm not good enough. Or the doubt. So much doubt...

The good news is that I have been strong, and despite my heart telling me that it didn't care what he did or why, my brain and pride got the majority vote with a loud, resounding, "Oh, hell no!" I also have a wonderful friend who has listened to me vent about how much I miss him in exchange for me not contacting him, which has been a big help because sometimes all you really need is someone to hear you. I also owe a lot of my getting through this to him not attempting to contact me, and just firmly letting me go. So many times when we tried to walk away before, I would crumble under his attempts to keep me in his life. I didn't have the strength to stay away from his open arms. But, by saying goodbye and turning away, he gave me the thing I needed the most; my power. I have been able to grasp it and start to build on it again, and hopefully soon I will feel a way I haven't felt in nearly a year now, and that is confident.

The mourning will end soon, and I am eager to see what kind of person I become again. I am hoping I gained some wisdom from this painful year, and I am able to open my heart again but at the same time be smarter about it. I do wish him all the best, and I know a part of me will always love him dearly and miss the beautiful moments we shared in an otherwise stormy relationship, but I also know the best thing he ever did for me was give me goodbye.

So, goodbye my lover, and welcome back to my sanity...

~Jen

Look Away

"I guess it's over baby, it's really over baby
And from what you said, I know you've gotten over me
It'll never be the way it used to be
So if it's got to be this way, don't worry, baby
I can take the news okay

But, if you see me walking by, and the tears are in my eyes
Look away, baby, look away
If we meet on the street someday, and I don't know what to say
Look away, baby, look away
Don't look at me, I don't want you to see me this way"
(Warren, 1988)

It has been three and a half days. I have accepted it is finally over, and I am trying to get over it. In the past, this would've consisted of putting on a happy face while sobbing in my closet when I was finally alone. I decided to take a different approach this time, mostly because the tears haven't come yet, just a deep sense of ache and numbness. Instead, I am embracing my depression and moping and sleeping and listening to break-up song after break-up song. And, I feel okay. Sad, yes, but not ready to throw myself off a cliff or anything even close to that. I feel like I am in the middle of the tunnel, and although I don't feel like walking very quickly towards it, there is a light up ahead. I know this will pass, and I know I will be better off for it.

In a related note, isn't it amazing the power music has in healing the heart? Even though I am listening to sad songs, there is the undertone of hope to most of them, and I think that is absorbing into my mind. I guess it makes me feel less alone as well... I mean, if Kanye, Taylor Swift, Kelly Clarkson, Prince, and Clay Aiken have been through it, then why should I feel bad? Crappy relationships happen to the best of us, and just because I fell for someone who didn't value me, doesn't mean I'm not of value. It's okay. I'm okay. This cloud will pass. Yeah, sure, I feel like a heaping pile of steaming poo at the moment, but eventually that can fertilize and grow something beautiful. I'm ready to become something beautiful.

~Jen

"Withdrawal"

It's still in veins, the craving insane
Thoughts of it slowly consuming my brain
I shiver while ignoring the pain in my limbs
I'm fighting this ache, I'm not giving in
Calling the universe to get me by
Attempting to silence my traitor mind
Forbidden fruit my body calls it a need
But it's bad and it's wrong, it's nothing but greed
So I'll sweat and I'll groan
Summon the courage on loan
Though I feel like I'll die
This withdrawal will subside

Defying Gravity

"I'm through accepting limits
'cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But 'til I try, I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost

I'd sooner buy defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
And you won't bring me down"
(Schwartz, 2003)

When love is good, it is worth everything. You really sacrifice your soul to another for love, and there is nothing wrong with that... Unless it's not reciprocated.

First, we must define the love I'm talking about, because we all know love is subjective and everyone has a different definition. I am talking about wanting the best for someone, wanting to see them succeed, wanting them to reach their potential but cherishing them for their great qualities as well as their suck ones. Most of all, just wanting to see them happy, and feeling like their happiness has a part in your own. It's an all consuming feeling that can't help but flow over into actions, not three little words I could probably teach my cat to say.

I love deeply and completely when I fall for someone, and it is definitely to a fault, because I often lose sight of my own happiness when I'm trying to make someone else happy. Sometimes, I become so engulfed in a relationship that not only do I lose sight of my happiness, but I start to lose myself. That is a hard spot to come back from, with a vicious circle and all. They say I'm not good enough, I start to believe it, and instead of walking away like I know I should (after all, I am not an idiot; I'm about a year away from getting bachelor degrees in both Psychology and Communications, for goodness sakes!), I linger because I don't think I deserve any better. How many times, though, can you walk away from someone before you stop turning around? It's very much like an invisible force pulling me back, compelling me to do that I know I shouldn't.

Tonight was yet another night where plans were ended because of a misunderstanding that blew out of proportion rather quickly. I've noticed I argue less and leave faster each time. Then, when the texts came as I drove home, texts that started out with "I can't do this anymore" and then tempered gradually to "I will miss you so much," I simply replied either, "I agree," or "Okay." And, I didn't cry. That's major, because anyone who knows me knows I cry at the drop of a Hallmark commercial. I drove home, singing along with the radio (okay, so it was just one song on repeat over and over, but it was empowering), and staying completely calm. Progress. I need to keep walking forward this time.

I have lost almost all my confidence and pride and self-esteem in the year since I started falling for this person. That is far too much a cost for something that brought me mostly pain and heartbreak. I have some rebuilding to do. And, the next time I find someone, and I will because I am a witty, attractive, and caring person, I will recognize the limits, and never let them set those limits for me. Someone will love me for me, and even if eventually that is just me loving myself, that is okay. Life is about more than finding a spouse; I think it's more about finding yourself, and if you find someone else who recognizes how awesome a person that is, then bonus.

"Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap"
(Schwartz, 2003)

~Jen

Last Kiss

"And I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes
All that I know is I don't know
How to be something you miss
Never thought we'd have our last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name forever the name on my lips

So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I'll feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
I hope it's nice where you are"
(Swift, 2010)

There are those moments when you just get smacked in the face with the realization that you really don't or didn't mean as much to someone as you thought, or perhaps just hoped, you did. Moments where your breath catches in your throat and tears threaten to sting your eyes, but you struggle to maintain your game face because it doesn't matter to you what they said, or at least it shouldn't matter what they said. You aren't that emotionally invested anymore. The dirty little secret is that you do care, and it rips your heart apart.

It feels like such a personal insult. That they couldn't do certain things with you, but had no problem doing them with someone else. And, I know that I shouldn't take any of it personally, because I was certainly not in their mind at all when they did them; it distinctly wasn't personally directed towards me. It still stings, though, as if they had walked up to me and said, "Hey, you just aren't good enough for me and you are not what I want, and even though I will continue to string you along and pretend to be interested, I really find you about as interesting as a lump of tar." I actually think I would take that statement better. It might prompt an angry response that includes hurling ice cold liquid at said person (I know, immature, yet strangely so satisfying!). I am the one who cherished the feel of their arms around me, who smiled at the gentle rise and fall of their chest as I laid my head against it, and who kissed their skin with loving adoration. Not vice versa. So it should be expected that the thoughts of us would so easily vanish from their mind. But, not mine.

Why is moving on so hard? Things were so much easier when people just disappeared when they were out of your life. Now it's like they are always there, just two clicks away. I guess I just have that selfish wish for an ego boost by thinking they certainly miss me as much as I do them. Yet, in reality, they don't. I was just a blip on the screen of their life, and they have already moved on.

I need to heal. I need to move on.

~Jen

Can't Take That Away

"They can say, anything they want to say
Try to break me down
But I won't face the ground
I will rise steadily
Sailing out of their reach
They do try hard to make me feel
That I don't matter at all
But I refuse to falter in what I believe
Or lose faith in my dreams
'Cause there's a light in me
That shines brightly
They can try
But they can't take that away from me"
(Carey, 1999)

There are many times in life where you wonder, "What happened?" and "Where do I go from here." There really only seems to be one answer to those questions; Life happened, and you move on. People come and go in and out of your life, sometimes they hurt you on accident, and sometimes they do it on purpose. But, ultimately we all have a shared goal, and that is to make the most of this little bit of time on the planet that we are allotted.

Maybe love doesn't usually last, and friends are typically not forever, but that doesn't have to take away from the bigger picture. So often I will lose a lover or a friend and just be devastated and inconsolable for a period of time. Now I'm thinking that instead of shutting down and trying to repair after I can function again, I need to make the effort to gather the good, be it memories or life lessons, that I have received from that person, put the positive energy of wishing them well into the universe, and then move forward.

Internalizing things to death is a huge flaw of mine, and one that I have realized I need to focus on fixing. A friend of mine, who has confidence beyond my comprehension, was advising me on how she does it. "I know my abilities and worth," she said, "and I simply don't care what anyone else thinks, because it is the human condition to want to make other people feel bad to make oneself feels better, and I just won't let them tear me down to give themselves some ironic feeling of worth." Whether that is accurate or not, the most important thing I took away from it is that I do need to know my own worth, and then hold firm and not let anyone shake that. I do have goals, I do have dreams, and I work towards them everyday. Maybe my progress has been slower than others, and maybe my goals are ridiculous to others, but why does that matter? They are MY goals, not theirs.

And so that is going to be my focus; to keep in the headlights my goals and damn the naysayers. I am not going to let them get me down, and I am simply just not going to listen. If confronted, I will smile, thank them for their opinion, and walk away and immediately empty the trash in my brain. I haven't made it this far by giving in, and I certainly know how to stand up and brush off my knees.

~Jen

"Quiet of My Mind"

Alone, my prescription
To turbulent companionship
In silent reflection
Of "why?"

I could dream of rainbows
Birds and butterflies
But the cage fits
I chose my visitors

I drown myself in this comforter
Longing for your embrace
Yet this is okay
With peace in my head

Visions of us
When I close my eyes
Still breathing
Preparing to fly

F*ckin' Perfect

"You're so mean, when you talk
About yourself; you were wrong.
Change the voices, in your head
Make them like you instead
So complicated
Look happy, you'll make it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game"
(Pink, 2010)


Self-esteem has never been a trait I have been able to obtain. My self image was formed in my teenage years through a series of my mother's boyfriends who told me how ugly and stupid I was, and from a marriage at the tender age of sixteen to a much older man who was quick to criticize my barely developed body. What followed was a pattern of bringing people into my life who would keep my head down and my mind unable to even conceive of the possibility that I might have any real worth.

Enter a child and the realization that I was responsible for how this innocent soul would grow and think about her self and the world around her. I had to be better. I had to be more. For her. I enrolled in college. I began to read self help books. I started to study communications and psychology. My world grew exponentially.

If only my confidence could expand as much as my understanding of people and the world have. Unfortunately, I am still someone who would rather bite my lip than face criticism, and who looks in the mirror and can not see the person that others compliment. Consequently, I am also a woman who seems to demonstrate with her actions that she believes she deserves nothing better than a partner who cheats and lies and criticizes the few things of value she feels she possesses. Why? I can sit here and say I deserve better and believe it, but then when faced with the chance to go out and find better, I'd rather cower and pick up scraps of mediocre attention like a stray mutt. It's insanity.

I need to get my power back. I need to love me as much as I know I should. I need to not only know it, but live it. I need to be better. I need to be more. But, this time, for me.

~Jen

Not As We

"Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain
Unsure unconvincing
This faint and shaky hour
Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I'm barely making sense
For now I'm faking it
'Til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we"
(Morissette, 2007)

A funny thing happens when you are "with" someone. You spend all your spare time with them and friends get put on the back burner. Now, this is the natural course of things, and we all understand that it happens, and while it sucks for the friends who seem to lose their friend, we all want the best for our friends, and what is better than love, right?

The problem then comes after a relationship ends, and you are suddenly the odd one out. The one without a date. The third wheel at all dinners and functions.You start to feel as though perhaps you just need to be stamped "single" across you forehead so you can easily be identified by others of your kind in crowds. So much adjusting to do. No longer can you assume you have plans on Friday nights. And, when you are able to pry a friend away from their significant other, you know their mind is thinking about getting home to their lover, not about you.

So, to another lonely night, and to all my friends who are feeling as I am, best of luck in finding what truly brings you joy.

Until later,
~Jen

Dear John

"Well maybe it's me
And my blind optimism to blame
Maybe it's you and your sick need
To give love then take it away
And you'll add my name to your
Long list of people who don't understand
And I'll look back and regret
I ignored when they said
Run as fast as you can"
(2010, Swift)

The hardest part of being wrong is knowing you are wrong. When the claim to ignorance is taken away, it really makes every situation much bleaker. I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I should have left him in early December when I got the email from the woman he was cheating on me with. Sparing the rationalizing details of why I asked to keep a farce up through the holidays and pretend to stay together, and then actually remain is lessening states of a relationship, I ultimately didn't walk away. Like a fool.

So, the moment of clarity came for me tonight. I went over to his house because he wanted to make us dinner and spend some time together, and even though I have a project due tomorrow for class, I packed my school work up and resigned to finish it at his house so we could at least spend some time together. I drive 25 minutes to his house, where he won't even make the effort to get up from his video game to answer the door much less give me a hug, instead yelling through the window that the door was unlocked and to come on up. I sit on the bed for 10 minutes while he is on speaker phone with his buddy playing this game, and I go to the bathroom and stare in the mirror and ask myself, "Really? You are doing all this for a guy who won't even get up to acknowledge your presence? Seriously, you don't think you deserve better?" And, I looked back at myself and thought for the first time in months, "I so fucking deserve better than this."

After some shouting back and forth, and to the mutual declarations that neither of us "needed this shit" and "have a nice life," I left. As I was driving home, I actually started to think about the ramifications of never seeing him again. I texted my BFF that it was probably finally over (much to her delight), and as I showered, I thought of possible responses I might need to give to any texts or emails he might send me.

It feels over. And I think (and hope) that I'm finally okay with that.

~Jen

You Keep Me Hangin' On

"Set me free, why don't you, babe?
Get out my life, why don't you, babe?
Because you don't really love me
You just keep me hangin' on"
(1966, Holland, Dozier, Holland)

Only in love could you kill someone over and over again. Only in love (or stupidity; fine line between the two sometimes, I know) could you allow someone to cause you pain over and over again. As I tread the waters of relationship limbo, I find myself so confused and utterly lost. Unable to fully let go, but yet knowing that there is little to hold on to. Yes, my grip is slowly starting to ease, but I wish I had the strength to just walk away and not look back.

I know I will get there, but in the meantime I am destroying any ounce of self-esteem I once possessed to stay semi-attached to someone who obviously doesn't value my feelings or love over the attention of others. Is it a matter of having to hit rock bottom on the confidence scale to realize that I must let go? It's pathetic, I know. He will make a comment that subtley cuts at my core, and I will just look at him now and say, "Someday you are going to miss me. Someday you will look back and wonder why you were so mean to the sweet woman who loved you so," and he will laugh and say, "Aw, baby, you know I love you."

Do I?

I know he has the capability of saying the words. But, feeling the emotion, ehhhh, I'm not so sure about that. That I spend almost every moment we are together wondering who else he is thinking about and he spends almost every one of those same moments not caring what I think at all just goes to show I am insane for even remaining in this situation.

I need my strength back.

I've misplaced myself somewhere along the way, and I need to figure out where the real me wandered off to. I need to stop being the lead actress in my life and instead just live it. I'm wasting too much precious time.

Until later,

~Jen

"In A Moment"

In a moment I realized what it meant
I saw the reflection of my own sadness in your eyes
I felt the void between what I thought we had
And what you thought we had
I felt the difference in priorities
And the deepness of my shame

In a moment I will leave your life
I will try to forget the bliss I felt from your touch
The ecstasy I found in your embrace
And the passion that I will forever miss
A feeling that had long slipped away
To be replaced with rejection and doubt

In a moment I will heal from this heartbreak
I will finally forget the last time I glimpsed your face
The feel of your flesh against mine will haunt
And I will struggle to remember the sound of your voice
I will avoid the memories of us
So the scars from our war will fade with the years

In a moment I will come across the box of our time together
I will blow off the dust and carefully open the lid
Pangs of conflicting emotions will flood my soul
And I will smile as my eyes well up one last time
As the bad memories have faded
I will be free to enjoy the ghost of we

In a moment I will breathe my last breath
A long life lived and finally coming to an end
As the last sands of my hourglass start to fall
And I am flooded with memories of my time on Earth
There will be a second your faces flashes by
I will be glad to see it there as I say goodbye

Is That I Should

"Because I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should"
~Missy Higgins, Where I Stood

I'm so depressed right now. I had a not so great day yesterday, and now it is 3:46am, and I am sitting her sulking instead of doing homework, which I desperately need to do. Feeling this way sucks. And, yes, the rational part of me knows that only I can change the way I feel and if I want to make a change, I need to do it, blah, blah, blah... I just don't feel like it right now. I want to hibernate in a cave of covers. I want the world to melt away into yummy fuzzy dreaminess. I guess I want to escape reality for a bit.

And, the reality I want to escape? I think I have this just general overpowering feeling of not being wanted at the moment. And, yes, once again I know I should just change my situation and surround myself with people who do genuinely want to be around me and love me, but I just can't find my footing lately. It's like I've fallen and I can't get up, and I don't have a handy life alert bracelet to come to my rescue. I'm just laying here absorbing the smooth coldness of the floor.

I don't know. I'm just not in a good place right now in my head. Yet, I know what I need to do and just can't do it.

I just can't do it...

~Jen

...But I Won't Do That

"After awhile you'll forget everything.
It was a brief interlude
And a midsummer night's fling,
And you'll see that it's time to move on.
I know the territory,
I've been around,
It'll all turn to dust and will all fall down,
Sooner or later, you'll be screwing around."
~Meatloaf, I Would Do Anything For Love

I was reminded of this song today. Such a great song. I am just the kind of overly dramatic soul who adores the styling of Meatloaf or Jack Black. There is nothing like some good rock opera, in my opinion. Anyways, back to the song.


What a perfect interpretation of infatuation. This boy, crazy about this girl and making her all these promises, and, I mean, really grand gestures and proclamations. And, this girl listens through this whole hormone laden rant, and humors him for a few seconds at the end just to throw water on his fantasies and tell it like it is. The thing that strikes me is how it seems like that IS how it normally is. At least in my relationship experience, which might be part of the problem. Perhaps the emotional maturity isn't there in the people I choose, and so when they fall for me, and I fall for them, the reality sets in sooner for them. That tizzy and flush of affection is replaced with annoyance and, dare I say, pity, because they are in a relationship with someone who they feel like has stronger feelings than they do.

Why does my love grow and their love fade?

I could go on about how I'm a good person, I decent looking, blah, blah, blah. But, I think there in lies the problem. When did I get so terribly needy? Instead of shrugging and saying, "Oh well... Your loss," it is like I must prove that I am the best thing they will ever have and they would be a fool for not wanting me. Yet, I am here having to convince someone they want me. It's insanity.

I guess admitting you have a problem is the first step in coming up with a solution, right? Or at least that is what I've been told.

So, here goes... My name is Jen, and I'm a love addict. Instead of loving the awesome person I am, I cling to shreds of acceptance I get from those around me. I stay in relationships in which I am treated as less than I deserve. I melt at proclamations of love, no matter how half hearted they might sound, and sometimes I feel powerless to walk away from the embrace of the heart I long for, even as they tear me down with their words. And, it needs to stop.

Until next time,
~Jen

Epiphany

"Maybe I'm a dreamer
Maybe I'm misunderstood
Maybe you're not seeing
the side of me you should

Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe I'm the only one
Maybe I'm just out of touch
Maybe I've just had enough"
~Sick Puppies, Maybe

So, I sit here, at work, actually working but on the kind of automatic mindless task that allows a person to much time to ponder life, and BOOM, it hits me. Just a thought, and one I've had many times before, and I suddenly can't focus. Must get it out. Must blog.

The thought? It's me. It's all me. The reason relationships don't work... Why I get the wrap as the moody bitch... Why most my family thinks I'm the hopeless black sheep... It's me. I am back in that dark place that somehow I keep slipping into. I work so hard to claw my way out everytime, and then somehow, when I'm not looking, I slip back in and it's total regression. Return of the self-loathing, the jealous sarcasm, the inability to maintain any degree of patience, the anger and blaming... UGH.

So, now it's back to square one. I guess part of me knew what my mind hadn't yet accepted, because I was trying to get back into blogging, which has always been my catharsis before. Here we go then. This has switched from hobby to therapy again.

Okay, break is over... Back to work... ;o)

~Jen