Tears Dry On Their Own

"He walks away
The sun goes down
He takes the day but I'm grown
And there's no way, in this blue shape
My tears dry on their own

I don't understand
Why do I stress a man
When there's so many bigger things at hand
We could've never had it all
We had to hit a wall
So this is inevitable withdrawal
Even if I stop wanting you
A perspective pushes true
I'll be some next man's other woman soon

I shouldn't play myself again
I should just be my own best friend
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men"
(Winehouse, 2007)

I had told myself that I wasn't going to blog again until I had something positive to say. Every blog I had posted before my little hiatus had been so gloomy, and even I was getting sick of my Debbie Downer routine. So, I waited it out. And, it took a lot longer than I expected to feel like writing. Plus, the spring semester had finished up, so I really just needed some me time.

A cool thing happens when you give yourself time to be alone, and that thing is self reflection. I have done so much thinking the past month, about things like my friends and relationships, my health, my child's health and mental development, to even my eventual and inevitable disappearence from the universe. At times it had me worried and terrified, but it always came around to the same realization. NOW is the time. I can't put anything off. I can't waste time. The sands running through my hourglass are not going to pause, and so I need to make the most of every grain. I need to stop being an asshole, and freakin' live. I don't hate my life; I've actually been pretty fortunate in a lot of ways. But, that being said, I could certainly make it better. Since this is the only one I'm going to get, I damn well better make the most of it.

Okay, I will admit, I am going through a bit of a mid-life crisis, but that's okay. I am acknowledging it and embracing it. I would rather appreciate my life now then wait until I get diagnosed with cancer or some other miserable condition. I am in relatively good health, and I've been to a couple doctors recently to confirm that, so I need to use it. How many people out there who are not healthy would I be disrespecting by not utilizing my ability to do pretty much anything I want to? And, if I am even alive 50 years from now, I would look back on myself in disgust for not jumping on the opportunity to do something with myself besides moping and self loathing.

I guess what I realized, and what I know I already knew but wasn't acting on, is that crying over a unfaithful lover or a disappearing friend is not going to change anything, and it's just wasting precious time I could be spending on making my life or self better. There are always going to be people who don't like me, no matter what I do, and life goes on. I can't let it defeat me. I need to take the good and leave the bad and move on. We are all just here, making the most of this little glimpse of life we are given. Hurt will happen, just like sadness and disappointment and tears. But, wounds heal, tears dry, and the sun eventually always rises. In the end, what matters is that I'm still here to experience it all, and appreciate it while I can.

~Jen 

Never Ever

"Never ever have I ever felt so low
When you gonna take me out of this black hole?
Never ever have I ever felt so sad
The way I'm feeling yeah, you got me feeling really bad

Never ever have I had to find
I've had to dig away to find my own peace of mind
I've Never ever had my conscience to fight
The way I'm feeling, yeah, I just don't feel right

I'll keep searching, deep within my soul
For all the answers, don't wanna hurt no more
I need peace, got to feel at ease, need to be
Free from pain - going insane, my heart aches, yeah"
(McVey & Fiennes, 1997)


Tonight it will be a week. A week since we last communicated. It has been a very painful week for me. Reality has soaked in like a spilled cup of hot coffee, and I am still trying to clean up the mess. I do miss him terribley, but I don't miss the arguing or fighting or the feeling like I'm not good enough. Or the doubt. So much doubt...

The good news is that I have been strong, and despite my heart telling me that it didn't care what he did or why, my brain and pride got the majority vote with a loud, resounding, "Oh, hell no!" I also have a wonderful friend who has listened to me vent about how much I miss him in exchange for me not contacting him, which has been a big help because sometimes all you really need is someone to hear you. I also owe a lot of my getting through this to him not attempting to contact me, and just firmly letting me go. So many times when we tried to walk away before, I would crumble under his attempts to keep me in his life. I didn't have the strength to stay away from his open arms. But, by saying goodbye and turning away, he gave me the thing I needed the most; my power. I have been able to grasp it and start to build on it again, and hopefully soon I will feel a way I haven't felt in nearly a year now, and that is confident.

The mourning will end soon, and I am eager to see what kind of person I become again. I am hoping I gained some wisdom from this painful year, and I am able to open my heart again but at the same time be smarter about it. I do wish him all the best, and I know a part of me will always love him dearly and miss the beautiful moments we shared in an otherwise stormy relationship, but I also know the best thing he ever did for me was give me goodbye.

So, goodbye my lover, and welcome back to my sanity...

~Jen

Look Away

"I guess it's over baby, it's really over baby
And from what you said, I know you've gotten over me
It'll never be the way it used to be
So if it's got to be this way, don't worry, baby
I can take the news okay

But, if you see me walking by, and the tears are in my eyes
Look away, baby, look away
If we meet on the street someday, and I don't know what to say
Look away, baby, look away
Don't look at me, I don't want you to see me this way"
(Warren, 1988)

It has been three and a half days. I have accepted it is finally over, and I am trying to get over it. In the past, this would've consisted of putting on a happy face while sobbing in my closet when I was finally alone. I decided to take a different approach this time, mostly because the tears haven't come yet, just a deep sense of ache and numbness. Instead, I am embracing my depression and moping and sleeping and listening to break-up song after break-up song. And, I feel okay. Sad, yes, but not ready to throw myself off a cliff or anything even close to that. I feel like I am in the middle of the tunnel, and although I don't feel like walking very quickly towards it, there is a light up ahead. I know this will pass, and I know I will be better off for it.

In a related note, isn't it amazing the power music has in healing the heart? Even though I am listening to sad songs, there is the undertone of hope to most of them, and I think that is absorbing into my mind. I guess it makes me feel less alone as well... I mean, if Kanye, Taylor Swift, Kelly Clarkson, Prince, and Clay Aiken have been through it, then why should I feel bad? Crappy relationships happen to the best of us, and just because I fell for someone who didn't value me, doesn't mean I'm not of value. It's okay. I'm okay. This cloud will pass. Yeah, sure, I feel like a heaping pile of steaming poo at the moment, but eventually that can fertilize and grow something beautiful. I'm ready to become something beautiful.

~Jen

"Withdrawal"

It's still in veins, the craving insane
Thoughts of it slowly consuming my brain
I shiver while ignoring the pain in my limbs
I'm fighting this ache, I'm not giving in
Calling the universe to get me by
Attempting to silence my traitor mind
Forbidden fruit my body calls it a need
But it's bad and it's wrong, it's nothing but greed
So I'll sweat and I'll groan
Summon the courage on loan
Though I feel like I'll die
This withdrawal will subside

Defying Gravity

"I'm through accepting limits
'cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But 'til I try, I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost

I'd sooner buy defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
And you won't bring me down"
(Schwartz, 2003)

When love is good, it is worth everything. You really sacrifice your soul to another for love, and there is nothing wrong with that... Unless it's not reciprocated.

First, we must define the love I'm talking about, because we all know love is subjective and everyone has a different definition. I am talking about wanting the best for someone, wanting to see them succeed, wanting them to reach their potential but cherishing them for their great qualities as well as their suck ones. Most of all, just wanting to see them happy, and feeling like their happiness has a part in your own. It's an all consuming feeling that can't help but flow over into actions, not three little words I could probably teach my cat to say.

I love deeply and completely when I fall for someone, and it is definitely to a fault, because I often lose sight of my own happiness when I'm trying to make someone else happy. Sometimes, I become so engulfed in a relationship that not only do I lose sight of my happiness, but I start to lose myself. That is a hard spot to come back from, with a vicious circle and all. They say I'm not good enough, I start to believe it, and instead of walking away like I know I should (after all, I am not an idiot; I'm about a year away from getting bachelor degrees in both Psychology and Communications, for goodness sakes!), I linger because I don't think I deserve any better. How many times, though, can you walk away from someone before you stop turning around? It's very much like an invisible force pulling me back, compelling me to do that I know I shouldn't.

Tonight was yet another night where plans were ended because of a misunderstanding that blew out of proportion rather quickly. I've noticed I argue less and leave faster each time. Then, when the texts came as I drove home, texts that started out with "I can't do this anymore" and then tempered gradually to "I will miss you so much," I simply replied either, "I agree," or "Okay." And, I didn't cry. That's major, because anyone who knows me knows I cry at the drop of a Hallmark commercial. I drove home, singing along with the radio (okay, so it was just one song on repeat over and over, but it was empowering), and staying completely calm. Progress. I need to keep walking forward this time.

I have lost almost all my confidence and pride and self-esteem in the year since I started falling for this person. That is far too much a cost for something that brought me mostly pain and heartbreak. I have some rebuilding to do. And, the next time I find someone, and I will because I am a witty, attractive, and caring person, I will recognize the limits, and never let them set those limits for me. Someone will love me for me, and even if eventually that is just me loving myself, that is okay. Life is about more than finding a spouse; I think it's more about finding yourself, and if you find someone else who recognizes how awesome a person that is, then bonus.

"Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap"
(Schwartz, 2003)

~Jen