"Maybe I'm a dreamer
Maybe I'm misunderstood
Maybe you're not seeing
the side of me you should
Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe I'm the only one
Maybe I'm just out of touch
Maybe I've just had enough"
~Sick Puppies, Maybe
So, I sit here, at work, actually working but on the kind of automatic mindless task that allows a person to much time to ponder life, and BOOM, it hits me. Just a thought, and one I've had many times before, and I suddenly can't focus. Must get it out. Must blog.
The thought? It's me. It's all me. The reason relationships don't work... Why I get the wrap as the moody bitch... Why most my family thinks I'm the hopeless black sheep... It's me. I am back in that dark place that somehow I keep slipping into. I work so hard to claw my way out everytime, and then somehow, when I'm not looking, I slip back in and it's total regression. Return of the self-loathing, the jealous sarcasm, the inability to maintain any degree of patience, the anger and blaming... UGH.
So, now it's back to square one. I guess part of me knew what my mind hadn't yet accepted, because I was trying to get back into blogging, which has always been my catharsis before. Here we go then. This has switched from hobby to therapy again.
Okay, break is over... Back to work... ;o)
~Jen
